Just Because I Envy Them



I'm sorry if I've neglected you, blog. It's just that having many accounts is hard to handle. Boothing made me busy. LOL! Anyway, I've been depressed lately. I just can't seem to find happiness. Life is tough. Life is unfair. But still... life is beautiful if only you could see and appreciate the good things of it. Right now, all I'm seeing are the bad things. Nevertheless, I hope he's happy now.

Can I be mad? Can I curse? Hoho!

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Passed or Failed

I have news! Finally! I got my grades in Neurology and Oncology. Whew! I thought I failed but I didn't. Jeez. I don't know. I still wonder why I don't feel relieved. The battle is still not over. I'm still trying to hang on. Tomorrow is the start of CHN (Community Health Nursing) and I was assigned to be the leader. Oh, c'mon! The stress! The pressure! Gah!

I'm wearing a jacket and a pair of jogging pants. Damn! I feel cold. Is it just me or is it really cold? I had a fever last night and was shivering like crazy. Oh noes!

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Oh, Mother

I love you but sometimes I wish you could have just aborted me since you told me that you wanted to. Jeez! Then I would have not been stressing out so much with school, family or any of my problems right now. Agree? You won't have any daughter to worry about. No mouth to feed. Only yourself. I just couldn't open this up to you. Why? I'm afraid that you wouldn't care. You don't even know how stress is affecting my daily functioning. Remember when I used to cry every time you leave for duty when I was a kid? You didn't even hold me. You just ran off. What about the part when you said it's okay with you when Lola Auntie asked you if she can adopt me? You're like giving me away.

I wish talking to someone would be this easy. Just like typing the words that you will say because you know that someone won't be able to read it. Haha! But it's hard. Not just hard, it's difficult. You know what I need? A hug. All I need is a hug. What else? To know people are here for me. I'm not asking for all the people. Few is enough. And, I'm wishing one of them would be you. Who am I talking about? Well you just have to find out. You're reading this, aren't you? Haha!

Looking for a happy post? I will. Later. Toodles!

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Hear You Me

Dear blog,

Since I have no one to talk to right now, I'll fill you up with my thoughts instead. Yesterday, my mom and I talked about my future.

Mom: Hindi ka pa ba bumibili ng reviewer mo?
Lianne: Ha? Para saan?
Mom: Para sa mga exams mo.
Lianne: Hindi. Kayo na bahala doon. Kayo naman may gusto eh.
Mom: Hindi mo ba gusto ang course mo? Hindi ka naman nagsabi eh.
Lianne: Hindi naman kayo nagtanong eh. Nag-bargain pa tayo dati na dito ako mag-aaral tapos kukunin ko course na gusto nyo basta hindi lang ako sa States mag-aaral eh. Hindi pa ba obvious yun?
Mom: Eh wala ka naman din ibang alam na gawin. Ngayon pa ba tayo magtatalo?
Lianne: Hindi na nga eh. Wala naman talaga ako magagawa.

"Eh wala ka naman din ibang alam na gawin." Woo! It hurt me. Really. I asked her before if I can have my singing lessons. Did she support me? No! She said that it will just add to her expenses. OK. I understand that. I also asked her if I can go with Tito Robert when he has his shoot for a commercial. She didn't even like the thought of it. Then I realized, yeah, I don't know anything. But is it really my fault? She doesn't like what I want, then, how will I learn other things if she, herself, won't let me? She keeps on planning my life and don't even bother to ask me if I'm fine with it.

"Eh wala ka naman din ibang alam na gawin." Thank you very much for boosting up my self-esteem, Mom. Gah! It was very helpful of you, really. Psh! What did I ever accomplish? Nothing, I guess. Nothing for you. Nothing. Zero! Nada! You don't give me credits. I'm sorry if I'm not as smart as you. I will never be like you because ever since I was a kid, I hated your job. Why? You're always not around. I want to take care of my own kids (in the future) and not some nanny who I used to play with most during my childhood days. I bet you didn't know about that and you will never know, huh?

Oh well. Oh well. Oh well. I just have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I still love my Mom. Anyway, in October/November, I/we will go back to LA. Shh! Don't tell anyone. No pasalubong! No moolah! I just found out about it yesterday. Remind me not to ask anything from my Mom.


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